I'm just a simple girl....

That I simply do no understand. When Pete and I get into it, it seems like we play off of one another almost. He'll do something that pisses me off, and in turn, I will usually end up calling him an asshole. He will end up at some point, most times, calling me something that is more than just name calling - it's usually something that is intended to hurt me deeply. The other day, it was c**t. He knows I hate that word and that it hurts very bad if he calls me that. Trust me when I say that I start out by talking with him and his attitude that he gives off usually starts me into an even worse mood, but I do not intentionally say something to him that will hurt him. It's true, I don't have to call him an asshole...even though that is how he acts. He's even admitted, that sometimes, he is just saying stuff to hurt me. I don't get why he would do that instead of helping me to try and fix the problem at hand. Every so often, it's confusing, with him saying how he loves me so much and then when we fight, he pulls out the bag of tricks and verbally hurts me.

Thing is....I'm not ever going to leave him and he knows it.

I think I don't really know what to do anymore. I know how I feel and I know what I think, but I just don't know what to do.

...That my husband doesn't know how to say anything nice about me, especially when he talks behind my back.

..Nights. I told myself that I would drink til I was drunk, and you know what...I so did. I find myself having to correct my typing every other word it seems. I hate that and I hate myself for it and I hope that I can wake myself in time tomorrow to delete this post. I need to get it out right now, though, while I can...or I won't...and it will stew inside of me.

I should be up curling behind the man I love most. I sang Hot 'N Cold (Katy Perry) tonight at the Bowladium...people told me I was good and having fun...I think I sucked, but hey that's me. Then there were all sorts of cops and crap..and one cop was yelling at this guy to get over to his car (this was after the bar had basically closed) and since I drove myself over to the bar and my friend was just as messed up as I was....I freaked out and started walking. So this guy walked with me. I don't know who he was was, but I know he didn't try anything...he walked with me until we were at my friends van, who parked a ways away. I got into my friends van and we drove to Denny's so we could get a bite to eat so I could sober a little (didn't help).

I'm obviously now at home and a good friend of mine keeps texting me to make sure that I am okay. I'm glad. I'm okay. I'm glad I'm home.

I have to pay $15 just for one rename token...Gah. I want to change my username. It's so 2007, a different time and a different mindset.

I looked back on all of my old LJ entries and I realized how stupid they all sounded, yet at the same time, how full of life they all were. It's funny how people can change over a course of time and how something as small as a blog can totally reflect it.

I was talking to some girls about a 365 blog. Well, not so much talk as I just asked a question about it. If you don't know what it is, you basically take a photo everyday for a year and post it. I thought about starting one for myself, it seems pretty neat. I thought perhaps I could document Pete's and my life. It would be fascinating to see what stories our eyes would tell for 365 days.

I think I have finally broken ground on the last remaining issue between Pete and I and I think I am feeling good about it. I have made considerable steps to ensure that, while he makes some changes, they're not too drastic, but they affect us BOTH for the better. He can keep people in his life, but some have to go. He knows it. It's not like I'm doing it for a kick, but if you can't have people in your life that won't cause problems, they need to go. I believe he understands this. People can think what they want about it, but personally, I don't really care. I gave him the chances, I gave them the chances, but when it came down to it, I didn't want to take the chance again. I think we're better off without them, and it's not like he doesn't have the more important people in his life to turn to. I made sure that he still has them. Not like I have much of a say, as he tells me when it comes to them and maybe I don't....but then again, he knows what will happen if he lets something like that get in the way of us again.

This coming year is going to be a big one. I'm not going to let on to anything just yet, but it is going to be big. Even by saying that, I'm sure a couple of you will get it, if you know us well enough. Just keep us in your thoughts. It's going to be big for a couple of reasons, so speculate away.

Christmas is going to be spent here in Twentynine this year. I don't have a problem with spending it with family, but being as Pete is big on his family, I told him I wanted just one holiday where it was just me and him, together, spending time with one another. No one else. We're planning on in the summer, possibly going to Michigan. I don't know what is going to happen, though, or if we're even going to be able to make it, for a couple of different reasons. But I would like to make it up there at some point soon. I have people to meet.

Well, I think this is probably more than enough for now and I have spilled enough of my guts. Until next time.

After a good long talk with hubby, I came to another realization. That he would never have sex with the friend because of the consequences of hurting me. We both got a lot out there and I do believe he saw the point that I was driving home. I trust him.

To my commenter: I am still married to him because I still love him dearly. He has had his share of screw ups in the past, but we've managed to move forward and mend what was wrong.

So I woke up at 5 this morning when Pete started getting ready for PT. Normally I go back to sleep and I thought I would since I don't have to be up until later. But no. I was awake enough to think logically. So I decided to go on a websurfing manhunt of my two older sisters, of whom I have really no info on anymore. Last time I spoke with either, it was back in 2005 after our dad died. I don't know why I am trying to find them now. Perhaps it's the want of a feeling of closure - after all, they may as well have made it known that they really didn't want any contact with me or my little brother and they had another half sister by their mother that lived with them, so why would they need us?

I don't know anymore.

I feel like a big roadblock between us has finally been dealt with and I am sooo happy! I've been thinking for a little while that I would like to wait and have kids and he feels the same way now. I'm very happy that we're going to have more time to work on us and not have a child thrown in the mix. =] Yay!

So, the Haunt is less than a week away from opening...I'm nervous and excited! =D I just don't have my whole script completely memorized yet, but it shouldn't take too long. Hopefully. I have a test interview due for Mischief and just have not had time to get it done. I hope I can get that done today because it is due Tuesday. It determines whether or not I stay with the staff, but I don't think it should be a problem really.

I love my husband more than anything. More than anyone will ever know. But there is something gnawing me. I don't know what it is and I can't talk to him about it. Mostly because I don't think he takes me seriously on anything. But what else is new? He doesn't get what I am trying to tell him. At all. He doesn't get what I am trying to do, how I do try my hardest. All he sees are the little things that get in the way of making this a better marriage that it can be. We have our good moments, our good times...but something always happens that puts a dent in our relationship - a roadblock, if you will. I'm almost suprised that we've lasted this long, but I love him to death and don't give up easily.

Everything will work. I know it. I won't let anything get in our way of being a happy couple. He is the best thing to ever happen to me, despite the things he has done. He is my other half and I think we compliment each other.

Anyhow...enough typing. It's late and I need to get the man upstairs. We have building tomorrow.

I'm totally in love with my husband...despite what people want to, or like to, say. I am my own person in each and every way and it has been a tough road with our marriage, but we are still strong.

More later. Hanging with hubby and talking to one of my besties.

Gr. There are events in my life that make me want to say, "Fuck it, fuck you, take it already." That wouldn't be the answer to it, now would it? Oh well. I'm getting to the point where I don't fucking care because it seems like no one is content in life unless they have everything they want. Newsflash, you won't always get what you want, so suck it the fuck up and be content and happy with what you do have, move the fuck on, and get a life.

I'm usually not so crude, but sometimes I just need to be.

I am waiting. Oh lord.

Things seem to have been going relatively well, I think, for the most part. Things seemed to have gone back to being the same after our last huge fight, but I know that nothing will ever be right. How can they be after what he said to me?

Sometimes I think that perhaps he does the bare minimum to keep this a functioning and happy marriage. I don't think he really realizes how much I really do love him. I know I'm not the perfect wife and all that....but I do try my damndest to keep him happy. I just don't think he sees it. I wish he would, I wish he would see everything for what it really is and not what he assumes. I wish I held more value in his eyes, because I feel I don't. I feel he will always value others above me....and even though I know I haven't known him as long, I feel I deserve the number one spot.....I'm his WIFE after all. But whatever.....I should be used to this by now. I can understand someone holding a place in your heart....but it hurts a little when your husband tells you certain people will always have a piece of his heart....Am I not supposed to have his whole heart? It makes me feel like he doesn't completely love me. At least not the way he should.

But whatever, right?

I wished I could have stayed in my dreams this morning. I laid in bed after a test and a negative answer...and cried. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm failing him. I let myself get so positive and hopeful...and deep down, I really did know what the answer was going to be.

I want to make him a father so bad. It's one thing I really want to succeed in doing. I know he'll be an awesome father and it kills me every time to tell him that we weren't successful in creating a new addition to our family.

I was in the worst depression today that I haven't been in for quite some time. I literally just wanted to curl up in my bed and hide. I mean, that may sound so pathetic, seeing as all it happened to be was a negative on a pregnancy test....but after two years of trying and no luck (and yes, I know there are couples who have been trying longer....but when you're in the same boat, it still hurts the same) it just really starts to get to you, I guess.

I really wish I could have stayed in my dreams this morning. I'm always pregnant when I'm asleep.

Is my birthday. I feel like I should be happier - I mean, you are supposed to be happy on your birthday, right? I'm not. I feel...hollow. Ever since this past weekend, nothing has been the same.

I feel like people are hiding things from me again. I feel like HE is hiding things from me, but I can't accuse him of what I don't know. I just don't want to be hurt again, especially how hurt I was and still am from Saturday night.

I don't know what to do and talking to him really is just exhausting my patience.

I wish I had access to my camera...which is sadly downstairs....I'm on the floor with my laptop because laying on my stomach is the only thing that is making my cramps slightly tolerable. Pete decided to lay down next to me and was draped over my lower back, which felt good because he's so hot bodied and the heat made my uterus and lower back feel better. Anyhow, his head is laying on my back now and he's passed out and it's the cutest damn thing ever...at least from where I can see. I don't want to move because I'm so in love with the moment. I'm glad he's getting some rest, too, because he's been having a stressful time at work. God I love him. I think I just fell more in love with him, too. I always do, everytime I see him.

God, is it possible to just be so in love with someone that you just don't know what to do or you just think you're going to burst? I think I am going to burst. That's okay. I want this moment to last forever.

Pete's been telling me recently how he wants to really go to Mongolia with a group around August. It's only for a month.....and then he keeps telling me how if things keep heating up with Afghanistan, that 1st Tanks will definitely be over there sometime early next year. I'd rather he went to Mongolia. At least it's only a month.

God. I'm so dependent on him. Maybe not so much dependent....I'm so in love with this man that it's like I quite literally feel like half of my body is missing whenever he's gone away from me for an extended period of time. Even week long field ops are sometimes just too long for me. Seven months of no physical contact from him - or even a month - I don't know how I can handle that. I know there are people that say, "Well you knew what you were getting into when you married him." No, honestly, I didn't. I married him after he completed boot camp. Neither of us had much experience with this. I know he has to be my soul mate. It's the only explanation for the way I feel. If I lost him, in any form, I don't know how I would react. I think I would simply fold in on myself and just lose myself to the void. I would lose contact with the world and I would shut down completely. Numb myself out. I can't lose him, for everything that's worth anything in this world, I cannot lose that man.

.."Think it's an addiction?"

"I do...I really think so...I'd rather think it was an addiction than anything else....It might make me feel a little bit better."

"Maybe then he could get some counseling."

"Yeah...that could work...but it only works as well if the person lets it."

We had a long argument/fight last night...and today we had a long talk. I think we really got to the bottom of what the hell is causing all the trouble, other than his obvious penchant for flirting and drawing on his manwhorishness. This time, it wasn't so much the fact that he did, but it hurt more that the skank has absolutely no regard for the fact that he's married....of course, what skank does, right? Sometimes...I'd love to believe or just think that he's such a child, because that is what he is certainly acting like.

I'm having him call her tomorrow, because apparently, we caught her just as she was going to be tonight when he texted earlier, and we're going to be on speaker phone. It's all coming out tomorrow....I'm going to tell her what I think of her and I could care less in any respect what she thinks of me. After all, she is beneath me. She is the scum on the bottom of my shoe. That's where a skank rates on my charts. I plan to scrape her clean of my shoe tomorrow. If she even thinks to attempt stupid and disrespectful shit like this again, it's going to be very physical. I will make that trip to Utah and I will put the fear of God into her.

As for him, this is his last chance and I will act on it, God forbid, should it ever happen again. I already have numbers and know where I need to go. It breaks my heart, but as more than one person has told me, maybe it will take him losing what he "loves" the most to wake up and realize what he fucked up.

I'm so tired of trying to hold it altogether and figure out what he wants. He either wants me or I am walking. It looks like our talk worked for the most part....I just hope that the love he professes for me is as strong as he promises it is.